this weekend:

had some wine. evidently the buzz you get from wine is a sexy one. evidently.
cause my best friend fucked me. twice. because i asked her to. no, more like because i put her hands all over me.
claimed to be a lesbian, right before i locked myself in my closet to drunk-dial john. baaaaaaad idea. haven't heard from him since.
now i have a girlfriend. man i messed things up.

Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone

You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe

I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
You will see your beauty every morning that you rise.

No. . . I have never been so confused about my feelings. On one hand, I am completely sure about how I feel about John. On the other hand, I don't know how long these feelings will last, how legitimate they are, or if they are a result of my messed up heart. And, on the other other hand, (we're pretending I have extra hands) I don't want to hurt him by making him lose his girl, and I don't know how he feels about me. He also is developing the habit of using me for affection and then blowing me off later. This is not just his fault or just mine, but I find myself taking the blame so that he comes out of this looking like the victim. I can't mess with his relationship anymore. I won't let him blame me anymore. It doesn't only hurt him when he has to push me away.
I think I will make a record of our text conversation last night so that I can mope about it later.

J: I'm so sorry, Chloe. I feel terrible.
C: Why? That was just what I wanted. I am so sorry, John. I swear I won't do that to you again.
J: Don't be. I wasn't supposed to kiss you back. I was cheated on once and it made me feel like shit. And I don't want to make you feel used or violated.
C: I can go. I didn't want to complicate your life, and you shouldn't have to deal with me like this.
J: No, the reason I wanted to see you again was because I missed you. You're an amazing person. Really. I don't know how I can tell Korie. Today's our anniversary.
C: I'm so sorry. I feel disgusting. I don't know what to do. . . John I'm sorry. I hope that you don't lose her because of me. This is the last thing I wanted to happen to you. I am sorry.
J: I want you to be okay.
C: Please don't worry about me. I have a messed up heart right now and it's not your fault at all. It's not your responsibility to fix it, either.
J: But when I add to your problems by kissing you back when I have a relationship then it should be my responsibility to make sure I do all that I can to fix it.
C: You can't do anything to fix it.
J: That depresses me. Does Jordan or anyone else know?
C: Know what exactly?
J: What happened..
J: Nevermind it doesn't matter. I don't know why I asked.
C: No. I don't plan on telling.
J: I hope there's some way we can put this behind us and still see each other. I like hanging out with you.
C: I might need some time because I like you a lot. I'm sorry John. I hope you get some sleep.
J: You too. Goodnight. Sleep well.

I don't want to forget anything about this night. He didn't come over until 10 PM, the time when Jordan was coming over too. He didn't come near me for the first few hours we were together, but as soon as we had a blanket over us and the room was dark, he began touching me. My hands, my legs, my stomach, my chest, my inner thighs, my ankles. He wrapped himself around me like he used to, lay his head on my shoulder, and meanwhile I touched him, too. I mostly stayed at his thigh, sometimes moving up to his hips and touching him under his shirt. We were closer than we have ever been last night. He fought to get under my pants most of the night. Ugh. I lost that battle after Jordan left. We were touching each other everywhere long before any kissing happened. After Jordan went home I crawled the length of the couch to his side and planted my lips on his. He stiffened his back for a moment, and then grabbed at my right hip and drew me closer - underneath- him. We kissed like we used to. He pulled my face closer to his, grabbing at my hair, touching my face and kissing my neck. He can always send me to the moon with his mouth. This is what I wanted. Precisely, at this moment, I wanted nothing more than to have him with me there, touching me like he was, pulling my leg up so that he could push himself closer against me, pinning my arm above my head so that he could have free reign. His hands found my chest and he touched me everywhere. His mouth was eager, but hesitant. His mind was on me, but I know where he thought it should be. We stopped before we got any closer. The shame hit me harder than I ever expected. . . it hit me way before it hit him. When he started feeling the guilt, I knew it was over. I won't have him for myself again. He is not mine, I am not his. They belong to each other, and our actions are far too late to be okay. We are not okay. I insisted that he stay with her, not worry about me (my selflessness tends to fuck me over) and he accused me of being passive. I was, but what choice did I have? I told him I was late. He is happy, and I don't deserve him. He sat on the same side of the couch, with me in his lap, feeling small and ashamed, when he decided he would go and think about what he is going to do. We hugged there, for a long time, and again by the door. I was kissing at every part of him I could reach while keeping in mind that he didn't want me to kiss his lips. I took one look at his face in between kissing his chest and his shoulder, and I saw a pained look. He told me we have a lot to talk about. He left. And then we started text messaging.

Today was worse. I went to sleep with a heavy feeling in my stomach. I thought I might throw up, and I slept through my first class. I forced myself to open my eyes at 11:20 AM, six hours after he left me, and my heart ached because he didn't say anything to me while I was sleeping. I said something. I drove to school with the same heavy feeling, now not only in my gut but also in my head. I cried it out before walking to class, and I still don't feel any better. The guilt is killing me, and I want him so badly it hurts. I want him to care, but he doesn't seem to.

Love, you are foolish, you're tired
Your sleeplessness makes you a liar
The city is burning
The ocean is turning
Our only chance is the lighthouse